hans_meinigel (hans_meinigel) wrote in str8tmenandftms,

Break up

Okay, I posted this on my journal and am posting this to a couple of communities since I'm hoping for some feed back. I apologize for it's ranting nature and lack of spell check.

Okay, so I'm super stressed right now, and here's why:

I've decided I'm going to break up with Evan, and I'm not sure how or when. I just got back from spending a week with him in New Jersey, and over all it was a really good trip. However, it really brought home that I'm not comfortable with where the relationship is right now or where it is headed. I've known for awhile that we want different things in the future, but I didn't realize quite how divergent. Maybe it's not even so much that we want different things, as that we want similar things but those things are incompatible. Like we both want a career in academics and to build some sort of reputation. Not a problem right? Except that apparently what he wants in a partner is not so much a fellow academic as a housewife to stay home and raise his one child (he wants one kid, no more no less).

He's been keeping this from me for awhile (the housewife thing), knowing that I'd turn tails and run, and confessed during a frank and open relationship talk that we had at 4AM after a really long day when he was too tired to keep his defences up. So, I hate to hold it against him, but at the same time, I don't think it's fair to him to pretend like that's okay and it's going to work out.

I also got the impression that he doesn't really see me as a man (another thing he had a feeling would be a disaster to tell me). I can't be in a relationship like that. Especially not at this point in my life. If I'm going to be with someone who loves me in spite of my gender, it has to be someone who can over look that I used to be woman, not someone who can over look the fact that I'm a man.

Again, I don't want to hold his sexual orientation against him, but I'm not sure I can date a straight guy. Not only in respect to how he views and interacts with me, but also because there are few things I find more attractive than a man who likes other men (gay or bisexual).

Also, a lot of little (or not so little) things are starting to wear thin. He's a libertarian, he doesn't like history, he's extremely arguementitive and competitive. I feel like he doesn't take my interests (or by extension, me) seriously. I often got the vibe that while I was talking, he was recieving it with, an "oh isn't that cute, he has interests" attitude.

I cut the phone call short last night, saying I was tired from travel (which was true), and am going crazy that he might call tonight, and I don't have energy to either break up or pretend like nothing's wrong.

I guess that's it, and it felt good to get that off my chest and I appreciate any feed back. I'll post more later on the highlights of my trip.
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