hans_meinigel (hans_meinigel) wrote in str8tmenandftms,

Just joined

Hey Everybody!
I just found out this community exists and am really excited. I'd been posting random, angsty things on a couple of FTM communities and on gay_boys, and got a lot of feedback from the latter, and very little from the former. Anyhow, I've kind of gotten past a lot of the angsty, my sexual identity can't handle this right now stuff and am settling down into being in love.
Here's my story. My senior year in highschool, I finally started dating this great guy I'd had my eye on for over a year. We drifted a little during the summer, and I broke things off at the end of the summer, not wanting to head into college attached (I was also trying to figure a lot of crap out, mostly surrounding my gender and sexuality). Anyhow, middle of my freshman year I came out as FTM and gay. I'm not sure when I told Evan, I think it was the middle of my sophomore year. He took it really well, was very supportive, etc. Anyhow, a couple of years went by, I started on T, changed my name, got to the point where I can't pass as a woman anymore (yea!!). So this summer we hung out a couple of times, and right before he left for school, he brought up the idea of us getting back together. I'd been thinking about it too for awhile, but thought it wasn't a possibility, especially since he's straight.
So, over the course of this last semester, we've hooked up again. It's been great. He's been very willing to accept what a long term relationship with me will mean in terms of the way other people view his sexual orientation, and has started referring to himself as "gay by choice." He's said that being straight was never a major part of his identity, and that becoming sexually active was a larger conceptual jump then becoming sexually active with another man (we're originally from a pretty conservative town), which was pretty much the same for me, when I made that leap with my last partner. A couple weeks a go, he told his parents we're back together, and apparently that went pretty well. As far as sexual orientations are concerned, our biggest obsticle now seems to be that he doesn't really understand why my sexual orientation is such a large part of my identity (of course, I don't entirely understand it either, but it is very closely linked with my gender identity and how and why I see myself as a man) and has been a little skeptical of my desire to pursue graduate work in queer studies, but I think he's warming up to that a little.
Anyhow, things are going really well right now, and I hope that they continue that way. Not sure yet where I'll end up, geographically speaking, next year (I'm currently applying to gradschools) and how this will effect our relationship. We're about 7 hours by train apart right now.
Also, i should be having my top surgery this winter, and I'm not sure how that will affect things either. Last time we got together we talked a little about it and looked at some pictures, and I got the impression that he was less worried about me not having breasts anymore, and more worried about it just looking really bizarre. I hope those fears have been a little assuaged, but I also emphasized that at first, it is going to look kind of bizarre (I didn't have any immediately post op pics at the time). Anyhow, I'm rambling, so I'll stop now.
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