Erinkyan (not_in_denial) wrote in str8tmenandftms,
Erinkyan
not_in_denial
str8tmenandftms

*wanders through*

Hi :D. My name is Erin, I'm 20 years old and am living in Melbourne, Australia, with my girlfriend. I'm female-bodied and identify as intergendered (specifically I see myself as both male and female) and lead a fairly abnormal lifestyle what with all the kink and the polyamoury and the chronic fatigue syndrome and such.

My GF (name of Jess) and I have another partner, by name of Phill. Jess and Phill were in a nice normal hetero relationship for about three years before I got involved about two years ago. Jess has always been pansexual as have I, but Phill has always been a heterosexual male and still identifies as that.

So I actually do have a reason for posting a whole new post instead of in the intro post, because I kind of want to vent and I'd like some other peoples' opinions - feel free to delete or whatnot if this isn't appropriate. Now, to be perfectly honest, this will be a bit angry-biased, because Phill has been a horrible boyfriend to both Jess and I for a few months now, but mostly I want to address things that were a problem between us even before he turned into a grade-A jackass.

I admit, it's always hurt that he still identifies as straight. I don't think I would mind so much if I was an FtM and planned on transitioning, because then I would feel more like a biomale and could see myself as the exception to the rule. However because I do not deny my female side (I can't escape it, wah! ;p) I've always felt very insecure about his identifying that way. It has always made me wonder, "Is he only seeing and loving my female self?" especially since he was not fully aware of my gender issues before we become involved (not because I was hiding them, but because they just don't come up in conversation that much. I've learned my lesson now and babble about it to everyone I meet, even if I feel it's inappropriate, because I just don't want to feel this way about anyone else - hooray for runon sentences!)

I've had many a discussion with him about the whole thing. I've done that annoying thing and asked, "Would you still have liked me if I'd been born with a male body?". I've done that annoying thing where I cry and accidentally end up making him feel guilty. I've tried to understand that frankly, he had no contact with anything that even hinted that there was any other kind of gender aside from boys and girls - I'm not sure he even knew transgender people existed at all before he met me. But despite my efforts, I honestly feel like he just never tried. I was a "girl" that he managed to get into bed with him and his girlfriend (omg lesbian sexx0rz yay?) and I've always felt that once he realized I didn't want to be his "other girlfriend", I simply became a piece of furniture.

*deep breath* Sorry if this isn't making much sense. It probably isn't very obvious why I might be upset with him. I wish I could describe it more clearly...it's not just that he identifies as straight-but-I'm-an-exception-coz-he-loves-me. It's that he's always just seen himself and described himself as straight, without the -but-I'm-an-exception-coz-he-loves-me part.

'Course, like I said, he's kind of a jackass, and the breakup will be official as soon as I can find the right time :p So it's entirely likely that all this wouldn't have been such a problem if he was simply a better partner. But I felt like I needed to vent and that the people in this community might have some understanding as to why this bothers me.
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